“Do you know what makes a good mother?”

 Just as my daughter’s question about why my face always looked so sad opened my eyes to the need for some self-reflection, so did a chance meeting with a well-travelled friend one lunch hour many years ago.  I was back to work after six years out of the workforce and in the first year of living on my own with my young daughters. He asked me how things were going and I launched into an long update, loaded with anecdotes and details. In retrospect, I was probably feeling sensitive about being a single-mother and wanted to be sure to convince everyone of how well I was managing everything on my own.

 When I paused, he asked, “Do you know what makes a good mother?” I felt uncomfortable because I thought a criticism might be on its way. “A good mother,” he said, “...is one that doesn’t give everything”. This comment was as unexpected as my daughter’s questions that I wrote about earlier (Questions for Mama Part I and II) and equally thought-provoking. He was right. Just like I wrote in the posting about what to do “in the unlikely event of a decompression,” in the same way that it’s critical to put your own oxygen mask on first and then help your child, if you want to be a good parent, you have to make sure that you yourself are thriving. That’s not easy to do when you’re already overwhelmed with everything else that has to get done. 

 In my case, it took time before I managed to carve out some time for myself. For years, I was fuelled by the sense of purpose that came from being a mother and the feeling that I had to make up for the fact that there was only one parent in the house—combined with managing my daughter’s rehabilitation and my long to-do list, this took up every waking minute that I had. 

 Eventually though, I found time to think beyond my responsibilities. In the same way that I try to appreciate the tiny things that are beautiful in each day, the things that I did for myself were equally tiny. Leafing through my favourite magazine after a long day even though I was so tired that I could barely keep my eyes open, making an especially good cup of coffee for myself as I helped my girls with their homework and, as the they got older, taking half an hour to go for a run. All of the little things that I did for myself—even though thinking of myself sometimes seemed contrary to my goal of being a good mama—made me feel like a happier mama, and as a result, I probably was a better mama.